There is an unspoken truth that eHarmony and Match dot com leave out of their adorable television commercials. Women go on the first date for the free food, and the free booze. This is a fact. Do not fight it, the universe will win. Countless times women over history have said “I sure am tired, I am not too interested in going out with him, but hey a free meal is a free meal, so I’ll put up with it.”
A new book needs to be penned called “She’s Just Not That Into You” and this is chapter one. First dates are just terrible. Do you pick her up? Do you meet her at the restaurant? Well if you pick her up what music should you be playing because you want to listen to AC/DC but does she want to listen to John Mayer, but really she likes country but you would never guess that because you hate country and assume that any girl you are interested in by default hates country too, so you don’t end up playing any music in the car and you end up having awkward conversations about each others day but really neither one of you cares. Then you get to the restaurant, do you sit outside, do you sit inside? Is it too windy outside you don’t want to mess up her hair but its the wind not you but its the first date so you feel like its you, but if you are inside do they seat you too close to the kitchen so you cant really have a conversation will the service be good? Then what happens? Maybe order a cocktail, she’ll play it safe maybe a dirty martini, men drink beer you should probably get a beer, don’t get wine she got vodka don’t book a one way ticket to queer-town but if she wants wine do i get wine but i don’t really want wine. White or Red, what are the rules again what wine goes with what food, oh god I want to look classy…Then what do we share an appetizer? Maybe the bruschetta but thats really messy, does she like tomatoes i like tomatoes but oh mans what if she hates them, how about the calamari that would be good okay we will have the calamari. Time for entrees? Ok I need another minute to look over the menu, I’ll let you order for yourself but i know what you are going to get. Go ahead order your salad, but we just had an appetizer why would you order another pre-dinner meal oh because thats protocall, you dont want to look like a fat cow gorging down a 22oz sirloin in front of me, and what if you eat really fast then I will clock your eating time compared to my dog, my dog eats fast so you will probably play it safe, order the salad, balsamic dressing hold the onions who likes onions on a salad anyway. Go ahead eat slow I have an entire game-hen in front of me. And then the bill comes and the waiter puts it in front of me, thanks jackass, and you do this adorable little thing where you pick up your clutch and you open it slowly and rummage through it, but you act like its a never ending pit and you cant find anything and by this time my card is already in the bill on the table and you play this little song and dance “no no please, lets split it, please…please….please…I insist….please lets split it” but really you are saying one of two things you either want to split it because you want to get the hell out of dodge and send a clear signal that this date ended as soon as it started or you are testing me to see if we are really a gentleman and will refuse, refuse, refuse your attempts at paying and insist you put the card away so eventually you give up but in the back of your head you are giggling, at another victory but really the jokes on you because you just had 3 pieces of calamari and a bowl of lettuce…you are still starving, Ill drop you off at home but you just have to go back inside and make Easy Mac or Romen Noodles to stave off the hungry pains you just gave yourself, maybe curl up on the couch with your girlfriends, during a DVR’d episode of Dancing With The Stars and cackle about the meal and terrible conversation, both of which were free. I mean, to be honest though most of the entire time you were talking I was just sitting there nodding my head waiting my turn to tell a better story that included less about you and way more about me.
A special thanks to jackasses like Michael Buble who sing songs like “I Just Havent Met You Yet” who allow people to have the insane idea that a first date can be a proactive attempt at finding the mate of your dreams. Sure, and I go on vacations to find bury treasure.
