Online dating is a little ridiculous…isn’t it? Is sending an email to someone you don’t know on an online dating site really any different than walking up to that person in a coffee shop, bar or park and handing them a note, then running away from them in hopes that they would sprint after you to tell you that they are interested? Pre-posterous, but mainly because running is exhausting.
October seems like the only appropriate time to sign up for an online dating site, mainly because they are filled with goblins, wenches, and headshots that make you scream “OH COME ON!”…even if you are attractive and you find yourself with one of these profiles, please be mindful of your username. “Trauma101”?! UNACCEPTABLE. I don’t care if you are a nurse, you sound like a train-wreck, and I refuse to watch the car crash. Oh, and “MissOhio24”, sweetheart you are not fooling a soul, and “Trish425” why the fuck are you searching for men within FOUR THOUSAND MILES of your hometown. You are out of your mind. Four thousand Miles, but congrats on that frequent flier account you just signed up for…freak. Hey, was it a good idea to have the majority of your photos be pictures of you with duck face? quack quack, probably not sweetheart, even if you are a “Chill* Girl”…what in the hell is the asterisk for? Please tell me you consider your about me a dissertation research paper with footnotes…wait you know how to do citation? Maybe I should give you a second chance Daffy Duck.
After much research, I found that the majority of women are looking for a date/significant other with a body type of “Athletic and Toned”. Thanks to the user friendly nature of the internet I did not have to join a gym, hire a trainer, or produce one once of sweat. Rather I just clicked “edit” and unchecked “Slender” and checked “Athletic and Toned”. BOOM. McDreamy. You want fries with me sweetheart?
CLICK HERE for the best fucking profile picture EVER for “NinaTransAM”. Her interests? “I love science, traveling and the universe because life’s a journey.” Excuse me while I gag myself with your telescope. By the way, she is searching for guys within ONE THOUSAND MILES of her hometown…sorry UFOS, earthlings only. So much for trans-universal travel in the Trans-Am, Nina. Lastly she is working on her masters degree in “Thermo-Fluids”….thats what she said.
Do women share one brain? Why does every single “about me” include “I love going out on the town with friends in cute dresses and having the time of our lives but at the same time I am just as content sitting on the couch watching a movie with a glass of wine”…either way, you are a boozehound. Or how about the classic “I’m not too crazy but can be if you let me. I’m quiet at first but open pretty quickly once I’m comfortable. I’m very driven and I’ve set goals for myself that I know will take time to fulfill, but hey, I’m fine with it. ” You are a walking contradiction, whats next? you are going to tell me you will let me take you out to dinner, but then if I let you you will puke it up? Great, let me just flush my debit card down the drain. My all time favorite “I am looking for someone who is serious, but doesn’t take someone too seriously”. Well, I am look for someone with a grasp on the english language that can complete a fucking sentence that makes sense and doesn’t leave me with a migraine feeling like I just got out of the octagon at a UFC fight.
I had a girl “wink” at me who appears to have some sort of syndrome. Not sure if its Downs or Sideways but one of her eyes is definitely not looking at the camera. At this point I am going to googling and searching “Become a Monk”
