Well Played Good Sirs and Madams. Welcome to The 2009 No Apologies Tour
When I was 7 I made my mom cry at dinner with laughter everynight and she would say "write that down". Well, I couldn't write when I was 7. She continued to say that line for years, and this is finally my attempt to write my thoughts down. I'm an only child, and that explains everything. Wish granted Mom, Aren't you proud?
In 2009 there will be no apologizing, and I'm not sorry about that. I invite you to join me in this quest for unbridled unapologetic action. It will be quite a ride, 365 days and not one single apology
Watch out Facebookers, If you are a douche-bag (male or female). Im coming for you.
Douche-Nozzle Volume 1.0. Congrats on your $545.00 winnings, now you can finally pay your rent. Love the sunglasses bro, I know how bright it is in those casinos…not to mention unbearably hot…so smart move on the sleeveless cut-off button down. I hate when the gel drips into my eyes too—bandana? CHECK. DELISH Daquiri! Heyyyy-OH!
PS, you have something on your Ear..oh, thats a stud? NO YOU ARE!
Inappropriately Fantastically Hilariously Awesome…..iNNappropriate
Lebron James’ Teammate and Cleveland Cavaliers Guard was arrested last week while riding his motorcycle. Sounds innocent enough, until you learn he was carrying 2 LOADED HANDGUNS AND A LOADED SHOTGUN IN A GUITAR CASE WHILE RIDING THE MOTORCYCLE….I have trouble balancing on a single geared beach cruiser bicycle with a beach chair, much less a multiple thousand pound motorcycle, guitar case and 3 guns, loaded. In terms of balance, hats off to DeLonte. In terms of common sense, god damn it DeLonte.
PS. You have something on your lip. No, down a little, to the left, up a little, to the left. Yup, ok. You got it. Its gone…Kind Of.
I’ve always wondered “At what point will Lady GaGa’s outfits increase her risk of cancer?”. I’m pretty sure this “Rings of Saturn” headband is a starting point.
Chris Brown has begun his 180 hours of community service in Virginia. “Its gone be me you and this trash bag. Double my hours, double my fun. Trash pick up Foreva eva eva, foreva eva eva, ima be pickin up trash for eva, foreva eva eva. Forever on the highway…I feel like a new low level, We can be two dumpsters, stinkin the room, takin up room, you and I….all you gotta do is watch me, look what I can do with my feet, baby, i just broke you faaace. Darling you can take the front seat, all you gotta do is tase me. Its like this highways been here my whole life, all I got is the rest of my nights, its gonna be me you and this trash bag”
First of All, May God Have Mercy On Our Souls. Perez, is that a dress or did you just casually skip the pants? Way too much man thigh. Really, any amount of man thigh is too much man thigh. By the way, sweet hair Perez…you look like a fucking Ed Hardy T Shirt. As for you Lady GaGa, welcome to the circus. Are you really wearing a fishnet faceguard/helmet? WTF ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR CAREER. You are a disco stick. Its not even practical. How do you take the sunglasses off?
PS YOU HAVE A KITTEN ON YOUR HEAD
“YO YO PATRICK SWAYZE I REALIZE YOU JUST DIED AND ALL AND IMMA LET YOU FINISH….BUT MICHAEL JACKSON’S DEATH WAS THE BEST THIS YEAR…ONE OF THE BEST OF ALL TIME”
In what could be the greatest man-cation of 2009, Jon Gosselin from the acclaimed tv series “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” has recently made two stunning announcements. The first being that he will take a trip to Disneyland to celebrate his freedom from the crazy woman he was prisoned to, Kate Gosselin. In more startling news, Jon has announced that much like Chad Ocho Cinco he has changed his last name to a numerical monaker. Now legally, “Jon Minus Nine”, he says he plans to enjoy the singles line, food for 1, and having his own time with the characters in the parks rather than getting yo-yo’d around my that trailer park haircut of a wife.
“You know I am really looking forward to never wearing Ed Hardy again” Mr. Minus Nine proclaimed at a recent press conference, “Kate loved Ed on me, but I didn’t like Ed on me, it was more about Ed than it was about me and I think that is a telling part of our marriage.” Jon hosted a press conference at the local Dave and Busters, in preparation for his upcoming trip to central florida. “You know the name change, that probably will startle some people, but you know I got a lot of questions during the last few years of our show and I really got sick of people call me Mr. Pluseight. They literally thought that was our family surname but it was really just the name of the show. I think the Minus Nine really lets people know what I am all about.”
Aside the trips to Space Mountain and Epcot, Jon said he has VIP reservations at various Airport Strip Clubs and Denny’s late night menu’s reviewed for his order. After the trip, Jon said he plans to return home and start to develop a home work out DVD for single Dads using all the household shit their wives bought during the marriage.
